Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’
WASHINGTON—Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House press conference Friday that “becoming an eel is a sign of good health.” “Big Pharma may have brainwashed people to think otherwise, but a healthy human body should be one […] The post Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Attends Dogfighting Match
LAS VEGAS—Speaking enthusiastically about what he called “a beautiful sport,” President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship. “That’s it, bite his throat! Bite his throat!” said Trump, who sat next to podcaster Joe Rogan in the front row, greeting celebrities such as Mark Wahlberg, Guy Fieri, and Shaquille O’Neal and watching […] The post Trump Attends Dogfighting Match appeared first on The Onion.
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Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance
The post Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance appeared first on The Onion.
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Build-A-Bear Stock Outperforms Nvidia
Build-a-Bear Workshop’s stock, defying the threat of tariffs on its Chinese-sourced inventory, has surged over 2,000% in the past 5 years, outpacing Wall Street darlings such as Nvidia and Palantir. What do you think? The post Build-A-Bear Stock Outperforms Nvidia appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Adds $100,000 Fee For H-1B Visa Applications
In an attempt to reduce foreign labor in the tech sector, President Trump imposed a $100,000 annual fee on new H-1B visa applications, dealing a blow to U.S. companies that rely on highly skilled immigrant workers. What do you think? The post Trump Adds $100,000 Fee For H-1B Visa Applications appeared first on The Onion.
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What To Know About ‘The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl’
Taylor Swift is promoting her forthcoming album with The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl, an 89-minute movie that features a music video, lyric videos, and commentary and that will run in theaters the weekend of Oct. 3. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What inspired Swift to create […] The post What To Know About ‘The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump To Travel With Own Escalator Following U.N. Embarrassment
The post Trump To Travel With Own Escalator Following U.N. Embarrassment appeared first on The Onion.
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Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron
TUCSON, AZ—In a move that has earned praise from women’s rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers to discreetly pump iron in the office. “It’s essential that employers provide a private, functional weight room where new mothers can comfortably pump iron at work when the need to […] The post Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron appeared first on The Onion.
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Study Finds Regular Journaling Can Help Provide Clues About Mysterious Disappearance
BOSTON—In a new study that found the practice significantly improves outcomes for missing persons investigations, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice concluded that regular journaling can help provide clues about a mysterious disappearance. “While you may imagine you’re too busy to journal, even a few names jotted down and circled multiple […] The post Study Finds Regular Journaling Can Help Provide Clues About Mysterious Disappearance appeared first on The Onion.
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Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves
NASHVILLE, TN—Stating that he was “horrified and deeply ashamed,” country singer Morgan Wallen issued an apology Thursday after a genealogy report revealed his family had never owned slaves. “Obviously, I’m not my ancestors, but nonetheless it’s just a terrible thing to learn,” said the chart-topping artist, who described how his “jaw dropped to the floor” […] The post Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Administration Attempts To Link Autism To Tylenol
The Trump administration claimed that taking acetaminophen during pregnancy might increase autism risk, advising against the common over-the-counter drug despite its use by a majority of pregnant women. What do you think? The post Trump Administration Attempts To Link Autism To Tylenol appeared first on The Onion.
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RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore
WASHINGTON—Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched a campaign to promote natural immunity Tuesday by inviting Americans to touch his festering sore. “Endless vaccines are no longer necessary to achieve immunity now that […] The post RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore appeared first on The Onion.
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