Artist Profile: Alex Warren
Alex Warren’s “Ordinary” has held the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for the ninth week in a row. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Warren. Genre: Music for 19-year-olds to get married to Religious Affiliation: Checks out Instruments: Guitar, ring light Hype House Chore: Vape organizer Years Active: Yesterday–Present […] The post Artist Profile: Alex Warren appeared first on The Onion.
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U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel
WASHINGTON—Calling the ongoing violence in the region “disgusting” while pledging America’s unwavering support, President Trump announced Monday that the United States would be the first country to recognize the state of Mega-Israel. “We recognize the right of Mega-Israel to exist as an ever-expanding sovereign nation,” said Trump, who added that he believed the West had turned a […] The post U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel appeared first on The Onion.
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Danish Zoo Asks For Donated Pets To Feed To Carnivores
A zoo in northern Denmark asked pet owners to donate healthy animals such as chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, and even horses to be fed to predators after a “gentle euthanasia,” to simulate the carnivores’ natural diet. What do you think? The post Danish Zoo Asks For Donated Pets To Feed To Carnivores appeared first on The Onion.
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The Best In-Detentions
The post The Best In-Detentions appeared first on The Onion.
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Space For The Whole Family
Your in-laws will feel right at home insisting that this cozy one-bedroom condo is big enough to host them for two full weeks. Reference #48151 The post Space For The Whole Family appeared first on The Onion.
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Biologists Observe Geese Eating Tool
NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling the previously undocumented behavior one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the decade, biologists from Yale University confirmed Tuesday that they had observed geese eating tools. “We normally don’t think of birds as tool eaters, so it came as quite a shock to witness multiple Canada geese from a flock in coastal […] The post Biologists Observe Geese Eating Tool appeared first on The Onion.
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Meryl Streep Makes Breakfast In Jiminy Glick Suit
LOS ANGELES—Saying a coy good morning to her Only Murders In The Building co-star as she sauntered seductively around the kitchen, three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep reportedly made breakfast Friday morning for Martin Short while wearing his Jiminy Glick suit. “Hey there, Marty, last night was fun,” said the 75-year-old actress, dressed head to toe […] The post Meryl Streep Makes Breakfast In Jiminy Glick Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam
WASHINGTON—In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman’s breast exam. Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting […] The post Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam appeared first on The Onion.
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Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child
WEST TISBURY, MA—Following through on his threat of legal action, civil liberties lawyer Alan Dershowitz confirmed Monday that he had filed a lawsuit against a Martha’s Vineyard farmers market vendor for refusing to sell him a child. “This is an affront to the principles of the free market,” said the 86-year-old attorney, who can be […] The post Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child appeared first on The Onion.
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